I really crashed and burned soon after that last entry and am just now coming out of that relapse into depression. It was hard to hold onto that I am even in recovery, because often the depression felt as familiar and as deep as it's ever been. That was frustrating enough, but to add to the torment, I lost my connection with God--or at least that's how it felt. A number of situations contributed to my biochemical plunge. For starters I had a complete falling out with the church that had come to mean so much to me. I wasn't getting paid at my job, (as of now I have only been paid for half the time I worked and it took months to get) I became highly irritated in the Bible classes by the most arrogant man/teacher I've ever met constantly talking about himself instead of staying on topic and last, but not least, the woman pastor was sending out the message that if by the end of her preaching you didn't feel moved by the spirit and inspired then there was something wrong with you. To summarize my experience, I found that although the church was open and accepting of all people, I sure did not feel accepted for who I am as a person in recovery from psychiatric disability. The lady pastor whom I so respected did not in turn respect me. Chalk it up to one of life's many disappointments. The problem was that I took it so hard because I had put "all my eggs in one basket"; my work, my worship and my socializing was all in that one place.
Another relationship development was that I tried yet again for a friendship with the woman who believes that gay equals sin. I just kept thinking that she would be able to put her belief aside, but she can't because she is sure that only her interpretation of God and spirit are correct; in other words she is a bigot, by definition of the word itself. Although sending out friendly signals, she just ended up slamming me and rejecting me once again for not agreeing with her. I went through a lot of grieving about the loss of her frienship for good and although the toughest part is behind me, I'm most likely not done grieving. As I've probobly mentioned before, it's been 7 years and I left CA to build a life with her. With the church contacts gone, I have zero friends where I live and no family. I realize that would be tough for the average person with no depression issues.
Fortunately I have strong family ties and support albiet long distance. I've made the decision to move back to CA sooner than I had thought I would. October (at the lastest) is my projection. So I had to think of something to give me energy to manage this move. I joined Curves (women's gym) and it really is helping already. I also plan on going to the local Metropolitan Community Church. That's it in a nutshell for tonight. I'm really tired, but I feel good just by becoming visable again here at my blog. To all the mothers, I hope your day was lovely. God Bless you and yours. Good night.