LETTING GO

I just lost my entire post. Somehow I didn't save it in time. The possibilities for things I need to let go of, running the gamut from significant issues to daily annoyances, seem endless...I wasn't real attached to what I wrote so that helps. Bedtime will be much earlier tonight than usual.It's good to know when your body needs rest. Yesterday I substituted at my church's daycare for tots; forgot how tiring nine children under 18 months in one space can be!

Special Someone

The question for today is about who has made my life worth living for. I would have to say, Jesus Christ, when he was on earth in the flesh as according to the Gospels. Yes, I do believe He was a real person as well as the spiritual one dwelling within every believer. I  think the truth list is referring to a regular human though so that's a tougher question!

If I am to choose only one then it's my son. From the moment Dylan was born on through today, he has given my life much purpose and meaning. I am well suited to parenthood. I have an internal "baby magnet"; I've never been able to walk by one without stopping to say hello. Preschoolers are cool too, but that's my age limit of preference! However I can honestly say that  Dylan has been a blessing at every age including the teens. I don't claim that being a parent is always easy and fun, but it never ceases to be rewarding. 

Rather than going off on a long tribute to his childhood, (which I am inclined to do) I'd rather explore what he means to me today as a grown man. He is the cornerstone of my support system, my joy, family and friend. His love is unconditional; he's extraordinarily intuitive, insightful and smart. He and his junior high school sweetheart/best friend have been married for ten years and  are still going strong. In case you can't tell, I'm very proud of who he has turned out to be! He never has been too keen on school yet he managed to acquire a job that others with college degrees hold; it has to do with microfilming (or it's more modern equivalent) and city record keeping. His wife is fortunate as well; she works for the DA's office and holds a BS in Psychology; I'm proud of her too. They are working on having a family; for now I have two gorgeous "grandcats". :-)

On my last visit over the holidays I received so much support and encouragement from them regarding my recent break up of the seven year relationship. Sandra is very astute at finding resources online; she came up with a whole list of possible support groups and books. Dylan and I enjoyed a number of heart-to-heart talks; he's an excellent listener, very affectionate and a practical/logical sounding board. It was hard to leave them and CA, but I know I will move back when the timing is right. In conclusion, when I decided to bring Dylan into this world, I wanted him to grow up to be an uncommonly sensitive role model for a new breed of men to follow. That's a fairly lofty goal, but he's never disappointed me. Often I find myself humming that old song by the Mamas and Papas "California Dreaming" (on such a winter's day).

Hope I never have to...

Something I hope I never have to do is  to suffer hard core physical pain as an older person. I'd just rather kick the bucket than hang on in pain! Mostly I'm thinking about if I live to be 80s or 90s...I know people who have worked with elders in assisted living and hospital settings; I've heard so many stories about the ones who suffer long term illness that it practically gave me nightmares! I have no fear of death because I know where I'll live for eternity, it's living in this world that has always provided my challenges.

On a lighter note, I hope I never have to shovel my car out of more snow than we had yesterday! It was just.16 inches, but I've decided that's my limit. As it is, I had to ask my young strong kind neighbor to help me.

Also I hope I never have to clean out the middle bedroom/storage room at Mom's house alone! There's our family's stuff gathered over  about 60 years in there!

I hope and pray to never hear the words, "Your mother has advanced Alzheimer's disease". God, I pray that you keep Mom safe and healthy and that when/if she is no longer enjoying life that you take her home quickly and peacefully. Amen.

Day 5~HOPE

What first comes to mind is that I hope to write and publish my book. Right now I'm doing writing exercises on memoir styles in order to come up with a solid outline. I am slowly but surely disciplining myself to write every morning. This way at least I feel I am chipping away at the mountain! I searched for local meet-up groups, but I'm not quite ready (by a long shot) to show up with my typed manuscript so that will have to wait. I did recently make a special writing place in my bedroom that is quiet and I'm hoping for inspiration and focus.

I hope and pray that Drexel Hill Baptist Church here in Delaware County, PA, will be able to realize Pastor Jeri's vision of building the new "Green Church". I tend to link up hope and prayer often these days because I'm a Christian and aim to serve Jesus every day of my life. Don't worry about me pushing my beliefs here though, because I respect everyone's right to find the God of their own understanding. I'm really excited about the Green Church since it's going to be like no other; it'll be fully ecologically sound with beautiful plants and fountains abounding. Finding DHBC outside of California is beyond my wildest dreams; I feel very blessed to be a part of it.

Days 3 & 4 Forgiveness

One thing I forgive myself for is for having a lapse of time when I did not/could not work on writing my book. This goal has been present in my life ever since I was a child; certainly by now I have enough rich life experience to fill the pages! It's difficult (to say the least) to stay focused on goals when you have bipolar/depression illness that it not being treated properly. I must admit to my natural penchant for procrastination and possibly even laziness. Horrors! ;-) Although focus remains my biggest challenge; also the discipline to write something every day is tough. I'd rather waste my time playing Farmville on Facebook, surfing the net or watching movies!

On the subject of forgiving someone else, a person immediately comes to mind who I am challenged to forgive. I am really working on it, but it will take time and I know I need to give myself however long it takes. This person ( I'll call them X) was (I thought) my soulmate and life partner. I left my beloved California to move to PA for the relationship. After seven years it is now over with no possibility of any real friendship. It took me almost three years to completely let go. That's actually another thing that I am working on forgiving myself for. I volunteered to suffer psychological and religious/spiritual abuse over those three years all in the name of love. I now am beginning to realize how much my intimate relationships have been colored by romanticism. Romance is not necessarily based in reality and coupled with codependency issues, it can be downright dangerous and unhealthy. I lost my identity in the controlling influence of letting someone else know what's best for me. The reasons I can have any forgiveness at all are threefold: God (specifically Jesus/Spirit within me), knowing that most of the damage done by X was unintentional and well meaning and the knowledge of how much I learned and grew stronger in the adversity of this relationship. I do thank God that it is over finally; I am genuinely free now in my life as an open/accepting Christian rather than a condemning and closed minded Christian. Many Fundamentalist Traditional Christians qualify in this category as they take the Bible literally and place more importance on it than the real life of Jesus as told in all four gospels. I don't care who agrees with me or not; I can no longer, for the sake of my own sanity, stay quiet on this division within Christian churches. Jesus did not then and would not now discriminate against anyone, period.  By the way, X is in the traditional camp to the max.

Day Two /Truth

One thing I love about me is that I'm honest and upfront. Right now I'm not inspired to write anything profound, cause I'm kinda beat. Tonight I tried to go to a meeting that I could not find. I'm bad at directions, but I'm used to this. Got a new GPS; anyone want to come over and teach me how to use it?!

Day One of 30 Days of Truth

Here's the index. Seems like a great idea as a writing exercise and by way of introduction.

Day 01 — Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 — Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 — Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 — Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 — Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 — Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 — Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 — Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 — Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 — Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 — Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 — Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 — A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 — A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 — Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 — Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 — A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 — Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 — What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 — Your views on

drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 — (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 — Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 — Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 — Make a play list to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 — The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 — Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 — What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 — What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 — Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 — A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

First off I don't hate myself; there's nothing about who I really am that I hate. There are definitely things about my past life that I would gladly swap or change, but since you can't change the past, all I can do is accept it. That's so easier said than done! I do believe in living my life in recovery so I find it helpful to always remember the serenity prayer originally from AA and Al Anon Twelve Step groups. "God help me to accept the thing I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference". If you meditate on this prayer, you'll find there's more to it then you may have first thought. I started my recovery from codependency long ago in Al Anon. Sometimes I feel discouraged by how much work I still have to do, because I think I should be further along by my age. I don't go to Al Anon meetings now, but I have recently realized once again the importance of disciplining and healing myself with a recovery program.  What I am really into these days is recovery from sick religion and Bible abuse, but hey that's a whole new topic!

This leads me to at least admit one thing I've hated about my life thus far: the fact that since age 19 I've been Bipolar Type 2 which was just discovered last year. I happen to be 56 now; all this time I have been misdiagnosed as having major or clinical depression. The difference is completely different treatment plans! I wish I could get all that time back, but I can't so back to acceptance. By God's grace I'm living my new life one day at a time. Hope you will follow my journey and share yours! ;-)